Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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