I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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