i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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