and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
