the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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