Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
