It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
