onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.