Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok