Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.