I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
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I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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