rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
