Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
