So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
