Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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