please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
They have beer where we have blood.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
