Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
