It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
