You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
