Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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