Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
