The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
