smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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