the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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