He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
