i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
