I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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