u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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