Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
