Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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