Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
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so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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