...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
