did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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