FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
