You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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