I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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