Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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