i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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