You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
