If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
