His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
