i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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