: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
