I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
