I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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