I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
