i think i have two assholes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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