Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
