I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
