I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
