Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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