Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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