I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
