i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
