Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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