I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i came on her dog
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
