she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
